Why I Am Pulling My Kids Out of Preschool

It wasn’t an easy decision. I have had nights and nights of sleeplessness over this. I still second guess myself multiple times a day. Am I doing right by my kids? Will I be depriving them of something by choosing to homeschool? I don’t know. But what I do know is that sending them to preschool for an year made me realize how it was completely unnecessary, especially the kind of preschools and Montessori schools we have here in Pakistan.

Kids Just Need To Play

These past seven months have convinced me that schools just make kids miserable, even though we might not see it when we’re stuck in the midst of it. Staying at home all day, playing and just doing what they please gave my kids immense joy. Where previously they used to come home tired and exhausted from school, now their energy is through the roof, the laughter is more frequent, they play all day.

Bottom line: they are living their best lives and doing what children should be doing, playing.

Forsaking The Love For Learning

We did do the distance learning for a bit. It was pretty basic when we were continuing with the same class, but come August, the promotion to the next class brought with it immense workload. Three to four years olds being made to write two pages of alphabets is absolute torture. I had chosen this school because they painted the picture that academics are introduced when developmentally appropriate. But all I saw was kids crying and moms worrying. How are kids supposed to form a positive association with learning and education when they are spilling tears and being forced to comply?

The Adult Problem

And there was also this lingering anxiety about the kind of influence the teachers were having on kids. There was a time when my daughter used to be scared of going to the bathroom. Upon coaxing it out of her, she told me ghosts live there. A teacher fed that to her.

She did not want to go to school because a teacher had been incredibly harsh with her. My kids aren’t going now, but just today a mother said another teacher might have physically hurt her child. In today’s time, when there is so much mistrust everywhere, how can I trust an absolute stranger to treat my child with the love and patience that is required when dealing with kids? I follow the positive parenting model and try not to even yell at my kids. Why should someone else undo that?

What Took Me So Long?

I know I have it easy because my work schedule is flexible, I live in a nuclear set up, I can afford part-time house help. Not everyone has all this. But since I am capable of giving my kids the opportunity to grow and learn freely in a non-restrictive environment, what’s stopping me? When I have read enough on the subject of traditional schooling being a disservice to kids, why should my kids have to go through it?

The only reason was self-doubt. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle society’s pressure and expectations about what kids should be doing. It took a long long time for me to realize I am only supposed to be looking out for my kids. The traditional model is so fully ingrained in all of us, it is really hard to unlearn that most of what we are told about children is untrue. But it is never to late to unlearn, and I am glad it happened early on for me.

Long Story Short

1) I do not want my kids overburdened with academic goals they are not developmentally ready for.

2) I need to give my kids open and free experiences to learn about the world. Sitting in one place for so many hours a day, with the same material and the same people is restrictive.

3) Every child has a different learning style, my son is a visual learner, my daughter learns through creating. Teaching them all in the same way does not make sense.

4) Kids of this age (mine are under 5) just need to play.

5) Anything not done with interest and passion is not retained long-term. Cramming information and being tested on it has no positive outcome in the bigger picture. I don’t want my kids being forced to write and rote learn concepts.

Here’s hoping I am able to facilitate them in every way they need me to!

Shahi Tukray and a Lesson in Child Psychology

My four year old is the fussiest eater on the planet. I have to do crazy stuff to get him to have three square meals a day. BUT lately, there is a sudden interest in cooking. I usually have him get his toy kitchen set while I cook and he has a lot of fun pretending to make whatever it is his toys want to eat that day. (Usually egg and chai, they are breakfast people.)

But today, as I set about making this dessert that my husband loves but I’ve never made, I decided to involve the kid too. It would make a legit excuse if I messed up because four year olds are horribly distracting, you know.

So I gave my three year old a book and asked the elder one to fetch his stool. He measured out sugar, poured the milk, pounded on the elaichis with his toy hammer. He arranged the cooled down, fried bread in the dish, he sprinkled the pistachios onto the end product. He was so so proud of himself. And I was super proud of myself too. Why? Because right when I was about to put the dish in the fridge to chill, I heard “Mama, khana hai.”

What?

“Mama, I want to eat.”

Not wanting to jinx the moment, I quickly scooped some into his bowl and handed it over. Wiped clean. Would you believe it? My son who hates soggy, liquidy textures, ate the entire bowl.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I’ll be feeding him from now on; by making him my sous-chef.

I usually stop and marvel at the way children try to do what they see, but I never really tried to purposefully do something just for the sake of them copying it. I have never seen myself as a role model and always think, ‘oh well, let’s just hope they grow up without me scarring them.’ But this made me realize what being a parent is all about.

Make good choices in front of your kids. Be responsible, be kind, be empathetic. They’ll likely emulate that and half your job as a parent will be done.

I Work To Be The Best Mom I Can Be

I think it goes without saying that being a mom is hard work. There have been countless days when I have felt like a failure, told myself I wasn’t cut out to be a mom, and wanted to throw in the towel.

But where do I throw the towel?

The bad days seem to go on and just engulf till it feels like they are all you’ve ever know. It’s quicksand and getting out of it is hard. But is it necessary? Of course it is. And how do I know that? Because being in the quicksand was a revelation in itself for me.

It’s a cycle. 

You feel bad about yourself, and then you feel worse. Then you start hating yourself because you feel worse. This affects your home, your kids, and you get antsy and angry and react to everything, and then you feel bad again for being a bad mom.

Only one change needs to be made to break this crazy wheel of deplorable behavior:
Self Love

Yep, it’s that simple. Love yourself and you’ll be a happier person. Trust me, I’ve tried it. But since personalities differ, so do love languages. And the love language that I have for myself is work.

I keep myself busy in things that make me feel like an individual, beyond being a mom. I am a designer, a writer, a collage artist, a poet; and all of these in any combination, help me stay sane. I don’t have a set time for this, I work throughout the day while going about my home chores.

No, my kids are not neglected. Yes, I do play with them. I might have a phone in close proximity but it doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention to my two little cyclones.

“Oh but why do you do so much?”

I do all this to be a better mom. Me exploring my creative side, and trying to achieve professional goals at the same time boosts my spirits. So when I’m engaging with my kids, there is zero resentment, there is nothing else I could be doing at that time to validate my own personal feelings. It helps me be emotionally available for my family.

But do I get judged for it?

Of course I do. I have heard offhanded comments about how kids need a mother’s time, not her instagram posts, from people who don’t even know how I spend my day. I have had people tell me my son’s speech delay was because I work too much (that hurt).

But I didn’t let it stop me. Nor should you. Find your love language and speak it to yourself.

Digital Stranger Danger – When Games Become Predator Hunting Grounds

Photo by Alvaro Reyes on Unsplash

 

A few months ago, I found myself in a very tricky position when I found out a young relative was playing an online game notorious for its chat rooms, and had made a ‘friend’ who was asking for a Skype ID. The child was barely ten.

He didn’t own a personal device, and played using his mother’s cell phone. The mother wasn’t aware of the fact that these games included chat rooms, nor was she told about the Skype development, or even that the child had a ‘friend’.

It might seem straightforward what any adult’s course of action should be in the face of such a situation. Notify the parents so they can deal with it. But how do you do that without breaking the child’s trust? How do you tell the parents that their child is victim to predatory behavior online? How do you enforce the idea that the child is the victim and is in no way responsible for it?

Game Chat-rooms Bring Predators Into Your Homes

With an alarming increase in pedophilia cases surfacing, we live in a constant state of fear for our children. Hearing horror stories all over the internet makes it hard to even trust relatives. Our kids out in this big bad world is scary, but now they can be groomed and blackmailed within our homes too.

Living in this era of tech where each month brings about a major advancement in the digital industry, it is virtually impossible to shelter kids from such platforms. There are countless benefits to letting children access technology, but there are terrifying threats too. But the bigger question remains.

How do you make digital spaces safe for kids?

The answer isn’t keeping kids away from them.

• Being open with children is absolutely imperative in this day and age. Make them comfortable enough in your company that they tell you whatever it is they are doing offline and online.
• Teach them to look out for inappropriate or irrelevant questions if someone does initiate a chat. Questions that ask for age, gender, location should never be answered and the conversation should be ended.
• Let them know that not everyone they come across has good intentions; that bad people also exist behind friendly faces and nice words.
• Do not allow online activity at night. For younger children make sure they are within your sight when they are using devices. Keep a check on expressions.

But the brunt of the responsibility falls on our own shoulders, as parents. Be watchful of whatever games or apps children are using. Games like Minecraft and Roblox do not have parental controls, but you can install filters for specific words.

Privacy controls in games can be used to minimize interactions. But that is pretty much it. Besides keeping an eagle’s view on your child’s online activity, and repeatedly telling them to be mindful of how they use them, there isn’t much you can do.

Communicate. It’s the only way.

Let the kids know that they can discuss the games with you any time. Maybe join the game yourself if your kids aren’t in the age where they are embarrassed by parental involvement.

As parents we need to tell our children what to do when something new starts to happen. Prepare them, not for ifs, but for whens. As they get older and interactions beyond parental supervisions increase, making careful and intelligent choices can be defining moments in their lives.

Trust, love and respect are all two-way things in a family; foster these and close doors for predators.

The Tipping Point

I found myself addicted to online shopping. The accessibility, ease, and comfort of buying stuff online grew on me like a second skin and I would spend hours browsing different e-stores, adding stuff to carts, abandoning them sometimes, but mostly checking out and accumulating things.

And that is the problem with getting things. You buy something and are happy with it. You get a strange satisfaction owning a new object. But soon, that satisfaction turns to dissatisfaction. There’s a new version, a new color, the trend has changed and the cycle starts all over again. It is never ending. I was blowing every paycheck on things I didn’t really want and definitely didn’t need. I was running out of space, there was just so much stuff. Way too many clothes in my closet, more shoes than I honestly needed, a hundred makeup products when I only used three.

It was like being caught in a quagmire, and one day I just knew I had to get out somehow. Buying stuff just for the heck of it, was taking a mental toll on me. More things = More stress.

And as I was hanging up my new Faraz Mannan Lawn dress in the closet, I just stood there, staring into the dark place that housed way more things than I needed. I had to stop and re-evaluate the situation. Was I adding value to my life by all that I was taking on, or was I weighing myself down? Did I really need 10+ new outfits for every year? Was that Smashbox lipstick really needed or did I just want to complete my collection? Did I even really need three kinds of cleansers?

It might not be ground-breaking or remarkable, but this seemingly simple realization was my tipping point. I had unknowingly addressed such a major issue in my life; consumption. And that is when I decided things needed to change.

The Simple Life – A Series

I was introduced to the concept of Anti-consumerism by a very charismatic Drag Queen.

Kimberly Clark’s blunt, funny but on point social commentaries and her anti-haul videos brought about my first realization of how hyper-consumer culture, advertising and hyped user narratives are making us nothing but wasteful consumers.

We buy things we do not need, and most definitely did not want till someone came and told us how we absolutely need to have it in our lives. We hoard things when we can easily make do with very few. We consume without realizing the way our behavior is affecting the environment, and even the economy. We are in a race to reach some standards that are being raised every day for no apparent reason.

And all this has a dramatic impact on our way of life and the way we form perceptions of everything and everyone around us.

Buying less does not make you kanjoos (miserly), it most certainly does not mean that you are not enjoying life. Being frugal and thrifty should not have an effect on your social standing. You should not need to spend more to be happy or be accepted.

De-clutter, simplify and adopt mindfulness. Join me in this series to find out how cutting down can give you so much more. Let’s take a journey and start our very own Simple Life.

Review: Glimmerglass Girl by Holly Walrath

Thank you, Finishing Line Press for the ARC copy of Glimmerglass girl by Holly Warlath.

This chapbook is daring, raw and everything poetry dealing with feminine identity should be. I had a hard time pausing in between poems because each left me wanting more. But these poems are meant to be tasted and savored. They do leave an aftertaste that takes a couple of minutes to wear off, but it is the kind that is exciting and invigorating.

I especially loved “I Am Going To Find The Unicorns.” The imagery is strong and in-your-face.
“I will kneel in the dirt and read leaves like ruins. I
will put mud in my mouth to taste dwarves.”

The concise nature of chapbooks brings out the true impact of poetry as strong as this. I would love to read more from Holly, she has a new fan.

The Cow’s Spots – Toddler Activity

One of my son’s favorite animals are cows. He carries his Cow Puzzle-pal book everywhere making it moo at everyone and himself. So while browsing through Pinterest, I came across a cow puzzle activity.

Since he is really bored of his puzzles at the moment, I decided to change it up a bit. The activity was turned into a ‘give the cow its spots’ one.

I drew a spotless cow on a blank page and then made some black spots on a sheet of sticker paper. (Because I was in a hurry, the spots are basically squiggles)

I cut the spots and put them randomly on the page and asked him to move them into place. After several minutes of moving the stickers around, I gave him the spots with the back sheet removed so they would now stick.

And voila, a weirdly spotted cow!

The Colors Around Us – Learning Through Play

It’s fairly simple. The more you expose your child to information and experiences, the more they will soak it up. We have recently started colors and even though we aren’t really able to recognize colors correctly, we are slowly getting there.

The key is not to sit with your child and ‘make’ them learn. Instead, play. Adapt your playtime into a fun learning experience and use the resources at hand to reinforce concepts.

We gather all objects of a particular color and simply play. ‘Oh look two orange cushions, put them on top of each other.’ ‘The orange lion is hungry, feed him the orange ring’

It may not be overnight. It is a slow process. But what’s the hurry. There was never a functioning adult who didn’t know colors. 

Centre of excellence

My brother has recently started blogging about social evils and we as a society are delineating into a terrain that is degenerative and destructive. Give him a read, folks!

(The amazing illustrations are his too.)

Bakhti's Asylum

The air near this building was surprisingly heavy in this city. Every second of exposure grew on you in a way that you started forgetting your self identity, and your roots started becoming hazy to you. It was so poisonous that Bakhti had to wear his CBRN Gas Mask just to get close.
He was puzzled. Everyone called this a place of promise; a haven for enlightenment. But he saw nothing but a shabby battered old building with its pillars broken down and its bricks giving way. This was a place where the great people of this city paid large amounts of money to get their cultural values and heritage wiped out from the minds of their progeny.

This was one of the modern private schools, where local culture went to die, where a sick capitalist ideology was injected inside the cerebellums of innocent young boys and girls. An ideology…

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Impulse Buy: Hand Creams, Anyone?

I am a lazy ass and look like a hobo most days because I simply can’t be bothered to put some effort. I don’t own a collection of lotions, potions and creams, only the most basic stuff. 

The only thing I am a teeny bit concious about is my lipstick shade. I absolutely love all kinds of lipsticks but the darker the better.

I’m deviating from the point though. Okay so even though I have no particular interest in beauty products in general, I bought a trio of handcreams.

Wait what?

What did I buy: Hand Creams

How many: A trio. Three.

WHY: Umm…

In my defence, I have always had a weakness for pretty packaging and these creams are the cutest! Tiny tubes in such lovely shades with polka dots and florals..

Also because I had tried a Cath Kidston foot cream once and it was so so good.
I have only broken the seal of one for now, the blue one. I have no idea what bluebell smells like so can’t comment on how close it is to  the real thing but it is pretty nice.

The cream has a pale blue tinge to it and it absorbs really well. I have got nice smelling, non sticky hands after putting it on which is a win-win.

I don’t know if I’ll be using the other two or giving them to friends. But oh well, impulse buys make me happy so it’s fine either way!

With all the pampering and toiling my hands do all day, they do deserve a little love.

Which hand cream do you swear by?

Dinosaurs Love Underpants!

This book is often talked about on this book group that I am part of, mostly because of its name and hilarious cover illustration. I figured my kids’ library definitely needed this one. And now we finally have it!

Dinosaurs Love Underpants has lovely vibrant illustrations which go really well with the text. It is the story of how the dinosaurs became extinct, when the caveman decided to start wearing underpants the mean T-Rex wanted a pair too. Soon all the dinosaurs were fighting over their pants – in fact the fighting got so bad that the dinosaurs were all wiped out.

Moral of the story: Value your pants. They made history.

The book uses short rhyming text which is read at a quick pace. It is a really snappy read and downright hilarious. And though both my kids are really young to understand what the story is about, they thoroughly enjoyed the reading and had a great time roaring. 😂

Now I am hoping to get the Aliens and Pirates version of this book.

Lippie Review! – Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick in Heather Shimmer

My current obsession is most definitely lipsticks. Lazy old me makes it a point to put on a different shade every morning because I have realised that a good lip color is a real pick me up for me.

Today I’ll be reviewing Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick in shade Heather Shimmer (220).

I got this as a gift from my cousin in the UK along with another shade that I will be reviewing later.

Okay, so this lipstick comes in a purple and silver tube that looks really pretty and is also quite sturdy in feel. These look a lot similar to Maybelline colorSensational ones but are slant at the top.

Rimmel claims/product details:

• Rich colour and intensely moisturising 
• Enriched shade palette and highly improved moisturising formula
• Vitamins a, c and e and SPF 20 for protected and cared-for lips
• Maximised, radiant colour
• Lips feel up to 70% more hydrated and up to 60% smoother

Let me just start of by saying that this shade is totally mine. I have found my nude lip and I am absolutely loving it. I have a neither fair nor dark complexion and finding the perfect nude seemed elusive. But Heather Shimmer has become my go-to shade for a simple and effortless look.

The pigmentation is strong and so is the scent, which might be off-putting to some but I don’t really mind.

Heather Shimmer is beautiful neutral brown/pink shade that can easily complement a lot of skin tones and look great in a variety of styles. It isn’t in your face at all but does have an impact and quality of a statement shade.

The formula is super creamy and feels a little unnatural on the lips for the first couple of seconds. It doesn’t emphasize fine lines and cracks in the lips but doesn’t do much to make them disappear either. Being creamy like it is, it doesn’t stay on the lips for long and transfers a little bit so be sure to blot it after applying.

The color pay-off is fabulous though and the subtle shimmer and shine is a nice change from my regular matte lips.
You can also read this on Piñata.

Lippie Review! Smashbox Always On – Girl Gang

Liquid lipsticks are all the rage these days and with all the options available, a little confusion (read: obsession) is inevitable when you embark on the quest of finding the perfect one for you.

Here’s a review of a gorgeous shade from the Smashbox Always-on Liquid Lipsticks line.

Infused with the Smashbox Primer Oil Complex, the Always On Liquid Lipsticks dry down to a completely matte and transfer-proof finish and are incredibly light on the lips. The first of the two shades I added to my stash is Girl Gang.

A dark and vampy burgundy-plum, Girl Gang is a stunning shade and is absolutely perfect for a night out.  Though the formula is super smooth, it is unfortunately a bit patchy. I had to take care not to let my lips touch before the liquid lipstick set. A second dab was needed to even out the patches.

But the best part, they really are Always on! With over 12 hours of wear and countless drinks and snacks later, there was no transfer or fading at all. Patchiness aside, this one is a keeper!

(You can also read this at Piñata)